6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
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[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it