Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
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Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Breaking news:
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.