My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
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JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.