*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
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{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I’m giving up for Lent.
TWEET CALL
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Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
tinder is all about the long game
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.