So many pants.
So little yoga.
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Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.