Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
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My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling