Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
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“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I need a headline like this
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.