To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
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I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now