“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
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No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
every college guy’s fridge
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.