friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
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I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?