been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
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Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
CRYING
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine