sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
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[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Dietest Coke
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
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