Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
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[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.