I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
You Might Also Like
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.