What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
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Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Introverted vegans go meetless
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
spot the difference
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato