[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
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Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I feel seen.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?