Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
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*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem