As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
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Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
A French press is when you hug naked
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist