“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
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Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now