Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
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The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
water it, i dare you
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier