Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
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My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
A game married people play.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!