Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
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[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
🙂🐾
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous