Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
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*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine