I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
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I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.