[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
You Might Also Like
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.