[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
You Might Also Like
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Check your privilege
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
[adds another nod to the conversation]