Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
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Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
barbara was highly relatable
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Last-minute gift idea!
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.