I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
You Might Also Like
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Worth remembering.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
quarantine day 3
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.