How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
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Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.