Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
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I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
This is painfully accurate 😅
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
All is fair in drunk and war.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*