My typo game is string.
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a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad