How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
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Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
SF is the wild wild west man
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”