Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
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Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Something Saturday.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”