5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
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Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.