What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
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[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?