People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
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1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.