Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
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[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on