If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
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Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Good morning
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.