i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
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Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”