HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
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Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I WON A HAM TODAY
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone: