“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
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dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
True freaking story!
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]