I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
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Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
bought wrong eggs
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
How do horror writers compete with current events?
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?