Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
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Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella