Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
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Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
This made me chuckle.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car