[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
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Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks