My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You Might Also Like
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
#Caturday
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.