It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
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Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you