[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
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Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.