In a parallel universe nobody can park.
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#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.