The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
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People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken